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heil tweaker
June 8, 2012 by kim
PREFACE: I compose my blogs in my head. I find it gives me something to do rather than indulging in road rage or leafing through PEOPLE magazine in the checkout line. I’ve been composing this as a comedy because funny is good and apparently I have been inducing tears recently. This began as really riotous material, however some events have transpired that I will probably include that you may not find exactly knee-slapping. I, on the other hand, am laughing hysterically. Hysterically.
A week and a half ago, the following conversation took place between my Dad and a family friend named Wade:
WADE: So are we going out for breakfast?
DAD: Did we say we were going for breakfast this morning?
WADE: Uh, yes. Yes we did. We spoke on the phone.
DAD: Great! I forgot.
WADE: You still want to go?
DAD: Yes! Yes, let’s go have breakfast. Had some excitement the other day, must have slipped my mind.
WADE: Excitement?
DAD: Yep. Woke up and the house was full of smoke. I gotta hand it to that spotty fella. He got his leg strapped on and got down here, put the fire out before there was hardly any damage. I said I’d cook dinner, but he’s only got a couple of teeth left so it would have to be soup. That girl left something on the stove again.
Ooooookay. See, it’s like this. The woman who has been “taking care” of Dad, you know, the one who has a remarkable physical and energetic resemblance to a methamphetamine user, has been sleeping upstairs. Upstairs, where my Dad can’t get to because he can no longer climb stairs. Apparently she was not the only one up there. When Wade went up, there were eight mattresses on the floor, in various states of disarray, and a distinct aroma of body. But it seemed she was the only one actually present.
Her house has burned twice in the last year, thus her need to stay with my Dad. Well, that and his bank account. The other mattresses didn’t belong to her children, the state had removed them from her after reports that the six year old had been eating mustard for breakfast. So they probably belonged to Gimpy and his friends.
WADE: Well, Frank, let’s just get your keys and go.
DAD: Don’t have ‘em.
WADE: Where are they?
DAD: Dunno. Ask her.
She said she didn’t know. They had all been “lost”.
Hahahahahaaaaa.
The police told me Dad’s car has been at the scene of two felonies and generally is parked at the house of a known White Supremacist gang leader. They make good money cooking and selling meth. All but one of Dad’s guns have gone missing, but good news! One may have been recovered in the car as a gang member ran from it. (He left it behind so he stood a chance at scaling the six-foot fence. He failed. For a superior race, they sure are dumb sometimes.)
Let’s return to the description of the dude who made it down the stairs to put the fire out, shall we? “Spotty”. This is a kind way of describing a human being who has a complexion not unlike the lunar landscape. Hot.
“Got his leg strapped on”. I think this speaks for itself. I mean, admittedly, there is something to be admired in a man who can strap it on while descending a staircase. That requires agility and nimbleness that I may not personally possess, but come on. Dude is missing a leg.
“A couple of teeth”. Really? So monopedal and bidental. Again…. hot.
This is what counts for the Master Race in Southeast Portland. Hitler must be so proud. Thank goodness they can identify themselves with a raised arm, palm facing downward, because if there were code words or they still had to goose step, this guy would be screwed. Any syllables required not spewing saliva or proper articulation would have to be written out in crayon. Hopefully spelling wouldn’t count.
Wade informed the woman that he would be returning with the police and, three hours later, the house was clear. He did find a chinchilla in a cage in Dad’s garage, however. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s funny all by itself. Maybe they had a fiendish plan to take over the fur industry and get everybody in perfect white mittens. But I hear it takes a lot of chinchillas to do that.
I always pictured Aryans as being strapping blond lads with blue eyes and abdominal muscles you could play washboard tunes on. But these are what you get in real life. Angry, lame, slurring addicts who live in an old man’s house and get a prostitute to inebriate him, drive him to the bank, withdraw money, and spend it on artificial limbs. Then they try to cook meth on an ancient electric stove. Note to all of you: never pass out while cooking meth. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Not that they are harmless. I’m sure they would stab me in the ear if any of them happen to read my blog. But I’m finding it difficult to muster up an appropriate amount of terror at their nefarious scheme to take over the world and rinse it of any undesirable bloodline. I mean, they abandoned three kids in a garage behind my Dad’s house, so if their own lines aren’t pure, I’m not sure how they are going to accomplish it.
Somehow I doubt this is the man Hitler pictured running the world. More likely this is the man Hitler would have used to check the temperature on his ovens.
Dad kicked them all out by some miracle, including the little bitch running his life, and changed the locks. He called my other friend who is a police sergeant and proudly told him this fact. He said he finally had keys to his own house. This was last Saturday. He promised he wouldn’t do it again.
He made sure of it.
I remember having a conversation with Dad when I told him I supported whatever he had to do. He was in such immense pain, both physical and emotional, and I strongly believe we should all get to leave life on our own terms when we have gone as far as we can go. “But Dad,” I said, “don’t do it when you’re drunk.”
“Why not?” he asked.
“Because you’ll probably miss and end up on life support for six years and that would suck.”
So Sunday night when I saw my Dad’s neighbor pop up on my Caller ID, I braced myself and spoke with her.
“Your Dad shot himself.”
I said the only thing I could think of. “Did he die?”
“Yes.”
See, now, how funny is it that compared to the gang of pock-marked, racist, homophobes, Dad was NOT the fuck up?
Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaa.
Category a bit more serious | Tags:
A Love Letter
145 Comments »
Nova says:
June 8, 2012 at 8:52 pm
Kim, I’m sorry to hear the news. You don’t know me from Benjamin, but in all seriousness, if you find yourself in the South Bay with need of anything, don’t hesitate to send me a message and I’ll do whatever I can.
In other news, the Master Race ain’t lookin’ so hot lately, huh. Yeowch.
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Jax says:
June 8, 2012 at 8:54 pm
Oh, God, Kim. I’m so so sorry. My heart goes out to you for all that you’ve been through. You were a wonderful daughter. You did what you could. You’re in my thoughts. Hugs and healing to you.
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emh says:
June 8, 2012 at 8:54 pm
I’m so sorry to hear this! *hugs*
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waywardangels says:
June 8, 2012 at 8:55 pm
*hugs*
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Alix says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:01 pm
I actually found that quite an uplifting story, in an odd sort of way. I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m glad that your dad’s final act wasn’t a fuck-up. All my love to you and your family.
(Such a weird comment, it feels like…but it’s not a traditional ‘my dad died’ story, so I thought it deserved an equally non-traditional ‘my condolences’ comment.)
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Cindy says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:02 pm
Kim I’m know you dont know me but I offer my support & lots of virtual hugs! I really dont know how to express myself & my feelings but just offer whatever support I can. *hugs*
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Estelle says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:08 pm
You will be in our thoughts, Kim. I am sorry to hear the news. You’re a fierce and strong lady. You’re wonderful x
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Maddie says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:09 pm
Oh, Kim. My heart aches for you and your family. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending strength and love your way.
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Dark Cygnet says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:14 pm
Kim, I am so very sorry to hear this. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I know this must be so hard for you but like you said, your Dad needed to do what he needed to do. Doesn’t make it any easier, I know.
Karen
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Tina Anton says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:18 pm
I am sorry for your loss. <3. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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Nathaniel says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:20 pm
I am so sorry. I wish I could do something other than just say those four words that you’ve heard and will probably be hearing for a while. You deserve more. But I have nothing else to offer and I just want you to know that something good will come out of this (if it hasn’t already). I don’t know when or how, but it will. Have faith in that.
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Ela says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:25 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad he was able to choose his exit, but even so… grief is a funny thing.
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Vicki says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:26 pm
Kim, I’m so very sorry about your Dad. My thoughts are with you and your family. I know I’m a random stranger, but felt compelled to say I’m thinking of you at this time.
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Sarah says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:34 pm
Kim, I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I’m sure you’ve heard those words a thousand times now, and I know that we don’t know one another, but I admire you so very much. You’re an amazing, inspirational woman, and you’ve had such a positive impact on so many lives. All of my love and support, and peace and healing your way.
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Stasia says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:34 pm
My condolences for your loss, Kim.
/digital hugs
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LauraD says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:35 pm
Sometimes it seems life is a school room – you can spend all day at the recess playground, but you won’t learn anything. You haven’t spent much time on the swings. Still, it doesn’t make this any easier.
Take comfort in those who have joined you on your life’s journey. Accept the love that comes, as hard as that is sometimes. You’ve got my thoughts.
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Stephanie says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:43 pm
You’re amazing, and I know this is a hard time but.. your outlook on it, and turning it into something positive is astounding. A lot of people don’t get it, how I often feel about Death, when someone be it a pet or a loved one of the human variety pass away, and though I’ll cry and miss them to pieces in private or have moments of being sad… overall, I’m just not as torn up as most people. Because I think of it this way. When they were with me, I loved them, and they loved me. They lived life to the fullest, they lived life on their terms and no matter how it ends, that is never going to leave me. Their love for me, and my love for them is never going to die, and though they aren’t here with me in person anymore It’s not like they’re really gone. Though I will miss them terribly, I don’t regret a thing, and that’s what’s important. Your dad sounds like a great man, and you’re a daughter who made him proud. Nothing will ever take that away.
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Allison says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:44 pm
Kim, I am one of the many random followers and fans of your blog. Family can be hard to deal with, but they are still our family. For lack of better words, I too am sorry for your loss. I’m sorry that he felt the only way to keep that all from happening again was such a final one. But I hope you will finally have some peace.
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Mary says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:52 pm
I am so sorry for all of the stress these people must have put you and your father through, as well as all of your loved ones. I’m sorry that the resulting actions seemed to be the only peaceful way out of every situation your father was in. Just know that he is in peace now, and no longer in pain.
This not only comes from me, but also from your very loyal fans in the Supernatural fandom. You are one of us, and we do what we can to treat each other like family, because “family don’t end with blood.”
Please know that although most of us have never met you, and may not ever get that chance, we are all here for you and to support you. You are an amazing woman, and we love you.
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Mary says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:01 pm
When my dad (who WAS a fuck up) died this past November, the first thing i thought was “omg, i’m half an orphan now.” weird to think that since i barely knew the guy. also, i’m 29 so not so much an orphan…
the second thing i thought was, “well i’m really not fucking surprised. Drugs’ll kill ya. what a shocker.”
the third thing was, “maybe i’ll finally be able to have a relationship with him now.”
and honestly, i do. I have talked to him more in these last seven months than i ever had in my whole life.
and though sometimes those words comes out through clenched teeth, it’s more than i have ever said. and i don’t have to listen to his bullshit, so yay, even better.
Your dad isn’t here the way you’re used to, but he’s still with you. Don’t be afraid to talk to him. Or to cry. or to fucking scream at him until your throat is raw. He already knows what you’re feeling, but it doesn’t hurt to reiterate. He may not need to hear it, but you need to say it.
You’re strong and smart and funny. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. I don’t even have to say that i hope you’ll get through this okay because i KNOW you will.
Take care.
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Les says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:09 pm
There really aren’t words for this…you’re in my thoughts…
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Dave says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:17 pm
Hey, you don’t know me but I’m part of your fanbase on tumblr, and also an avid reader of your blog. I just wanted to let you know that all our hearts and prayers are with you. You’re wonderful and we love you, and I hope you’re alright.
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Tamren says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:21 pm
Oh Kim. I’m so, so sorry. I had such a bad feeling when I read your last message. Just had this sinking, sick-to-my-stomach feeling. I realize you don’t know me from Adam and that I don’t really ‘know’ you but please believe me when I say, after reading your blog, I can definitely empathize with your situation. It’s hard to watch someone you love struggling with life. And even harder, struggling with death. I wish I had the words to comfort to you. Truth is.. there aren’t any. Just know that you are in my thoughts. And my prayers. I hope your father has at last found the peace he so desperately searched for. And I hope that he is once again with your mother. Always remember, you did your best and he loved you. I’ll be praying to the god of my understanding that you might find some peace for yourself as well. You deserve it. I don’t have to have met you physically to know you have a beautiful soul. Bless you sweet lady.
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Maria says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:24 pm
You’ve seen the old Bogart movie Treasure of the Sierra Madre? The scene at the end where after all the death and greed and villiany, the gold dust is blowing away in the wind and Walter Huston just sits there and laughs hysterically? This is what I thought of reading about the ubermenschen fuck ups and your father. I can’t know what you’re feeling, of course, but the sense of he can’t do anything else crazy was large in my heart when my father died and I get a similar feeling from what you’ve written.
Admiration and virtual hugs of support,
M
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Adria says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:26 pm
Kim, I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling, going through, or thinking right now…but you should know that the entire Supernatural fandom is behind you, supporting you, loving you. I’m so sorry this happened. We love you.
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Taylor says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:26 pm
I wish there was something I could say except for keep being strong. I can’t imagine what this must be like for you. I’m not necessarily a religious person, but you will definitely be in my thoughts.
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Carolyn says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:29 pm
You’re much stronger than I could ever be in the face of my dad’s death. We love you. You got an army at your back if you ever need to lean back and rest for awhile <3
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Andy says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:34 pm
I’m so sorry to hear about that, Miss Kim! Well, read it. I really must agree with you, though. It’s better he ended his suffering and didn’t end up on life support for years. Take care of yourself!
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Jenny says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:36 pm
Oh, god. I’m so, so sorry about your dad. I’m in tears just reading about it. God, that’s so messed up. I’m so sorry. I wish there was any way I could make you as happy as you’ve made me feel over the years, but I know that’s impossible right now. Just know when you’re grieving that you have SO many people — people you don’t even know — who love you. Stay strong. We’re all behind you, Kim.
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Bianca says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:43 pm
Kim, I’m sorry for your loss. You’re an amazing woman who no doubt got it from her amazing father. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.
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Elisabeth says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:43 pm
Kim, you don’t know me. And I hardly know you. But I just want to let you know that I’m here for you, we’re all here for you and for your loss. I can’t possibly imagine what it’s like for such loss, but it must be unfathomable. You can pull through this, we know you can. Keep your chin up, and stay strong. x
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Eileen says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:45 pm
Oh….I am terribly sorry… you are an awesome human being and I wish the best for you family. <3333333
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Lila Kane says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:55 pm
Dear Kim,
I am so so sorry for your loss. To say it’s awful really doesn’t cover it nor do it any justice. It’s all I can think to say and I hope all my love and support comes across. Can’t imagine, but know you and your father are in my thoughts.
Many many hugs.
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Tamren says:
June 8, 2012 at 11:01 pm
Oh god. I just realized that yesterday was your birthday.
Oh how I wish I could offer you something besides words.
If I could, I’d cook you a big bunch of southern ‘comfort food’ & brew you a big pitcher of iced tea. And if that didn’t help (at least a little!), I’d break out the apple pie flavored moonshine. Let you sit on our dock, dangle your toes in the lake and sip on that ‘shine till the sun come up. Then tuck you into bed with one of my granny’s clothes line dried quilts. ((Hugs)) Consider it an open invitation. ♥
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Heather says:
June 8, 2012 at 11:03 pm
So sorry for your loss.
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Nycole Echeverria says:
June 8, 2012 at 11:10 pm
Kim, I’m so sorry to hear about your father. You’ll be in my thoughts.
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Alexandra says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:00 am
My jaw dropped in shock at the ending to this entry. So very sorry about how it all ended but at least he did it on his terms and hopefully is at peace. My thoughts go out to you and yours.
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Mangacat says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:03 am
In this trying time, I hope you can find solace in the love and support of your family and friends, you are in my thoughts. Take care.
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Paula Vee says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:06 am
There aren’t any words to do this justice. I’ve read every word of your blog. I’ve laughed, and cried, and found truths and guidance. I met you briefly once, but I hardly know you. Nevertheless, the window that you have provided into your life through this blog, allows me to say this: You are a rare breed. Despite everything, you’re intact. You have persevered through so much, you are amazing. A pillar of strength in a sea of wrathful horror, you are an inspiration, and a guiding light. And because of this, your perspective on life is unique, and inspiring.
I haven’t got any advice for you, because so very often, through reading your blogs, I find that you give me the missing piece of the puzzle. Your experiences mirror my own in so many ways, that you often have given me the strength to carry on, to fix my problems, to change my outlook on life, simply through your blog. You have suffered, your father has suffered, and suicide is such a complicated idea. I wish him the ability to find what he was looking for in ending it, whether it be an end to the pain, a solution to the problem, or peace in a life of confusion and hardship. Your strength will carry you through. I know that the wisdom you have gained in your life’s experiences will help you.
I just wanted to communicate to you that you are a remarkable person. You have helped and touched me and so many others, just by being yourself. You make my life less painful and hopefully, this and all of the other comments can make this just a little less painful. You don’t know me, I don’t know you, and this may not mean much. But thank you for sharing your experiences, thoughts, feelings. It has helped me cope with my horrible experiences, troubling thoughts, and careening feelings. I’m so incredibly sorry, for everything, for every event that sent your life tail spinning to a place that is dark and confusing. But you, of all people, will find the light. I hope, and I pray, that you find peace in this as well. I don’t know how you’re feeling, and I don’t know how to help.
But I have faith in you.
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Tam says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:11 am
As an avid reader of your blog, and as someone who also has a complex relationship with her father, I feel like I should have something of substance to say. After thinking (and then thinking some more) I realized I honestly don’t have magic words to bring comfort in this sad, fucked up situation, or to express how badly I wish I could be of help. I’m thinking of you and your family, and sending out love in your direction. Take care of yourself.
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Kathryn says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:21 am
I can’t say anything that either hasn’t been said before, or that will help. I wish I could, but I can’t.
However, I *can* say that you’re incredibly strong to post something like this and if you need someone to talk to, well, I know what losing a father is like.
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jesse says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:29 am
I am very sorry for your loss.
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Els says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:39 am
Kim, I’m so very sorry for your loss. You have the support and love of all of your fans behind you.
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Sam says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:40 am
I’m so sorry for the pain all this has caused you. I hope you can find some peace now.
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Jenny/@secertbutterfly says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:48 am
I wish I had magic words that could be helpful to you right now. Just know that I care and that if you ever need anything, let us know.
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Lisanne says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:03 am
Dear Kim, I’m so sorry to hear about this, and I wish you all the best in dealing with this loss. It’s difficult to find words here. I just want to say that I think the way you handled your father’s impending decision, is something I truly admire. It must have been so hard.
I wish you all the best, and know that even though you’ve never met most of us, we do support you, and we care. So take care.
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B.J. says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:25 am
Dear Kim,
My heart goes out to you and your family. It is so hard to see family declining. When you are sick and hurting, sometimes there seems to be only one way out. You can’t ever question if you could have done more. What got me through was just accepting that everyone did the best they could at the time. That’s all you can ask of your loved ones and yourself. I’m glad you had the chance to talk with your dad and he knew you supported him. My dad never gave us the chance…and yet, it wasn’t a total surprise. Maybe we just didn’t have the courage to really confront the issue and hear his thoughts.
My sister knew a grief counselor and she asked her if it is easier to know that they were sick and this was coming, one way or another. The grief counselor responded that it is never easy, never expected…even if it is. It still hits you and it still hurts.
Wishing you all the best in this journey. With your writing, it should help to put to paper your thoughts, whether you share them here or perhaps write your dad a letter. We all did that with my dad, and my young nephews drew pictures. Just our way of saying goodbye.
Take care.
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kellyd says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:52 am
you are an amazing woman Kim, my heart goes to you.
take care of yourself xx
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Marie says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:57 am
I’m really sorry for your loss. sadly there’s nothing more to say than banalities and I don’t want to say those. I strongly hope you’ll find all the love and support you’ll need.
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Justine says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:02 am
Kim, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I am just another stranger, usually part of the mostly silent half of your readers. No one who has ever read your blog with disagree: we are all incredibly inspired and comforted by the words you choose to share with us. Today I hope that our shy words can give back to you some of the hope and faith you’ve kindly shared with us. You and your family will be in my thoughts. Take care.
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Lesley says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:36 am
So sorry for your loss xx
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Elizabeth says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:48 am
I’m sending all the good thoughts and hugs that I have in your direction, and I’m so sorry for your loss, and for everything that’s happened. I hope you’re able to find love and support from the friends and family in your life, and I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.
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freaksoldier says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:52 am
there’s nothing any of us can say to make any of this better, but you have my thoughts and my deepest condolences. i’m sorry for your loss
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Robin says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:55 am
No matter what has happened, the death of a parent is always hard. You may not grieve for the present or even the past, but you grieve for what could have been and wasn’t. You grieve for the lost opportunities and the lost moments. You grieve for the lost hope.
You have my deepest condolences on you loss.
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Claudia says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:05 am
Words fail me….I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending good thoughts your way from the other side of the world.
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Claire says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:06 am
Kim, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss and of the difficult circumstances leading up to your Dad’s passing. I hope that he’s found the peace he needs now and that you can, too.
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Mona Rahm says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:14 am
I’m so sorry for your loss. Wish I could hug you. Family is something we don’t get to choose. We are more or less stuck with them we have. Sometimes family can be the most beautiful thing in the world and sometimes the most painful. Whatever situaton we love, we hate, we cry, we live and adjust with our family.
I’m an avid reader of your blog but this is my first comment on your blog. Would like to say that you are a remarkable, strong and amazing person. Thank you so much for sharing your life and thoughts with us all. You are an inspiration. Take care!
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Damon says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:27 am
Let me if there’s anything I can do. I’m not far. Ron’s just around the corner too. You know the area code. 750-1024.
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Miri says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:32 am
Just another one of your myriad fans and readers here, Kim, but adding my condolences too. Your outlook on this situation is incredible, and your strength continues to be an inspiration to me and others, but still, I’m so, so sorry about your father. He sounds like he was an impressive guy in his own right, right through to the end. You’re in the thoughts of me and everyone else here.
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Damon says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:40 am
I just connected the 3 abandoned kids with all of this. So. Incredibly. Fucked. Up. SIFU. Wow. Much love and respect to you. Again, see my previous reply.
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Madeleine says:
June 9, 2012 at 4:52 am
I’m not very good at condolences … and it seems a bit stupid to ‘hope you’re okay’ and tell you ‘I’m so sorry’, because while I am sorry, and I do hope you’re okay, how can you be okay after something like that?
So instead, I’ll just tell you what you already know – you have a lot of people who love you, and even though you may have never met some of them, we still love you aplenty, and will do anything we can to ‘help you through this’.
If you ever happen to find yourself in lil’ ol’ England, you will have support, love and care from many folk here… <3
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Teresa says:
June 9, 2012 at 5:02 am
Oh, I’m so sorry. *hugs*
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Callisto says:
June 9, 2012 at 5:14 am
I’m out of words. Please accept my sincere condolences.
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Tania says:
June 9, 2012 at 5:50 am
I’m really sorry for your lost. I lost a member of my family recently and know how hard it is. All my love and support to you.
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April says:
June 9, 2012 at 6:10 am
I’m really sorry for your loss, but glad he was able to choose his exit. I’m amazed at how strong you are when faced with things as hard as this, you really are an amazing person and we’re all so proud of you! xxx
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sheilamcclune says:
June 9, 2012 at 6:13 am
Oh, Kim, I’m so sorry. I wish there was more that I could say, something I could do. You’re an amazing woman. Hugs to you and your family. My thoughts are with you.
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Beth says:
June 9, 2012 at 6:37 am
Kim no words from me will help but I am sending you my strength, love and comfort as you have done through your words so many times in the past
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Sabrina says:
June 9, 2012 at 6:53 am
My love and prayers go out to you. My fiancé just died April 8, 2012 from alcoholism. I had to watch him drink himself to death for the past two years. It was just the two of us and I didn’t have all the drug-addicted psychos to deal with as your dad did, but it was bad enough. Danny was the best person I’ve ever known and he left me with more amazing memories than I can count. Idk how the fuck to live without ever seeing him or touching him again. Your post, with your special brand of humor… so touching and so sweet. Thank you for writing about your pain b/c it’s helping me so much with my pain. I hope you can find some peace in knowing, at least, that the stress of never knowing what’ll happen to your dad, is finally gone. I’m trying to look at it that way. (And I just purchased Jim’s book about the loss of his wife; hoping it’ll help me cope.) I love you and I wish you nothing but happiness in this short, shitty life that we have.
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natalie says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:03 am
Kim, I am so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I am, however, glad he had the support of his family in making that decision. You’ll be in my thoughts x
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Kerry says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:34 am
Kim, all my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in this difficult time. Condolences, love and support are being sent your way. x
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Bettina says:
June 9, 2012 at 8:05 am
I’m not good with words. I’m so sorry. HUGS!!
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Jules says:
June 9, 2012 at 8:13 am
I am not sure if I should say that I am sorry for your loss, or happy for you regaining a little bit more freedom and hope that you can feel relieved. But I am sure you will make the best of this weird situation! *hugs
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e says:
June 9, 2012 at 8:17 am
your strength is inspiring. we are all here for you, Kim.
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Nikki K. says:
June 9, 2012 at 9:38 am
I’m so sorry, Kim. Thoughts and prayers with you and your family, sweetie!
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Kate says:
June 9, 2012 at 9:43 am
Hey Kim I heard about the passing of your father. I just wanted to say your family and you are in my prayers. So very sorry for your loss. :/
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tracey says:
June 9, 2012 at 9:46 am
I’m sorry. I had a father figure go out that way. Wish for your sake that he’d done better in life, or found a better way to express his regrets. For what it’s worth, he gave the world you as you are, and a whole lot of us owe him for that in some measure. Deepest sympathy to you & your family.
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Karen says:
June 9, 2012 at 10:16 am
Kim I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.
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Kat says:
June 9, 2012 at 10:23 am
Kim, I’m so sorry for your loss. I know what it feels like, as I’ve lost people close to me, and I know it’s hard to pull through, but we’ve all been there, we’ve all done that. Just remember the good times. Take care~
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xenascully says:
June 9, 2012 at 10:36 am
Oh my god. I was laughing right up until that end part. Then I just kinda sat here in shock.
I get why you were hysterically laughing. Maybe at this point it’s actually literally hysteria. The tragic and fucked up aspect of all of it, with no choice but to either be absolutely completely pissed off, or just laugh because it’s that or cry, and crying tends to cause stuffy nose and headaches after the amount you’d have to do, here.
Kim, you know I’ve had some similar…errr well, I suppose in the level of INSANITY they’re similar, incidents happen recently. Well, actually maybe you don’t. You’ve been gone for a while. But you know how to find me, and don’t hesitate to do so, if you just want to go on a rampage without worrying about grammatical correctness for the sake of blogging lol.
I love ya, girl <3 *huge hugs*
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Ellie says:
June 9, 2012 at 11:27 am
Oh Kim! I don’t know if I can adequately express what I want to say but I’ll try.
Firstly I love you as you’re such an amazing, strong woman, if I had daughters I’d be proud if they grew up like you . I have sons though so if one of them brings home a woman like you I would be grateful and impressed by their awesome taste.
Your father is now at peace and isn’t that ultimately what we wish for those we love, even if it’s mixed with other emotions too.
Hopefully you will be able to take some measure of comfort from the fact that he took control of his own life even if only briefly.
I’m truly sorry for your loss and hope you can forgive him the wrongs he did you so that you don’t become another casualty.
With love and hugs, Ellie xx
P.S. If you’re ever in the Scottish Highlands, my door is always open to you
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Sarah says:
June 9, 2012 at 11:38 am
I’m so sorry for your loss, Kim. You’ll be in my thoughts. xx
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Anabelle says:
June 9, 2012 at 11:58 am
Kim, I am so sorry for your loss and I cannot even fathom what it must feel like to lose a parent or anyone so close to me for that matter. You have been an inspiration to so many people, myself included, and you’re such a strong wonderful woman. You, along with your family, are in my thoughts and heart. <3
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Sam says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm
I lost my dad in 2002. It is hard to believe he’s been gone for almost 10 years. It gets easier as time passes, but still hurts. I am thinking of you. <3
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Julia L says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm
Kim, we are so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through right now, but all of us are here for you.
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Verena says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:06 pm
Oh my, what a story. I am so sorry for your loss. You’re such a wonderful, strong woman, I hope everything will be fine for you.
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Maddie says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:08 pm
Kim, I’m so so so sorry for your loss, you’re such a strong woman and I can’t even comprehend how you feel right now. You’re in my thoughts, take care.
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Jennifer says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:13 pm
So this might be wrong but I can’t helo thinking your dad went out like Hunter S. Thompson, on his own terms and no one else’s.
I hope he found peace. I truly do.
I hope you and your family are alright. Words kind of suck and since I can’t hug you or make inappropriate jokes in person I’ll just keep thinking of you hoping you somehow get my mushy lovey vibes.
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Cara S. says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:23 pm
I know you’ve been going through so much lately. I’m so sorry about your father. It doesn’t matter what sort of people our parents are or how old we are, when they’re taken from us we’re children all over again. I wish you all the love in the world.
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Cammy says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:26 pm
Kim, like everyone else said…You may not know who we are as individuals but just know that everyone in the Supernatural fandom feels for you and we’re here to support you however we can. My condolences.
-Cammy
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Terri Clark says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:33 pm
Sweet Jesus. I’m so sorry, Kim. I hope you both are at peace now. Love & hugs, Terri
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Kerry says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:35 pm
Kim, you’re an inspiration to me. You are an amazing person and our thoughts are with you right now xx
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TernellJade says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:38 pm
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’ll keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.
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Matias says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:42 pm
I’m sorry for your loss Kim. Know that you have my support in this difficult time. I hope in time you will heal. I’m sending you all my love!
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Georgie says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Kim, I’m so very sorry. When I met you a few weeks ago in Birmingham I was struck by how lovely and genuinely generous and inspirational you are. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. We’re all here for you like we always have been.
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Elizabeth says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:49 pm
I love you Kim! You are such an inspiration in so many ways. I’m so terribly sorry about your loss.
You are such a joyous, beautiful woman and I hope to meet you some day.
Much love<3
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Anna says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:06 pm
Hi Kim. You are one of my biggest role models, and you are such an inspiration. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know you have no idea who I am, and I can’t even pretend to know what you’re going through, but you and your family are in my thoughts and I’m sending all my love to you. xo
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Brittany says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:08 pm
I’m so sorry to hear the news. At least he got those belligerent criminals out of his home and his life. You and your father will be in my prayers. Even though this is tragic, I’m glad you respected your father’s decision because I believe, as well, that someone should live their life to their fullest capacity and no one should suffer. <3
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Marianne says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:39 pm
My thoughts are with you and yours x
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Molly says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:46 pm
I’m so, so sorry to hear about your Dad. Castiel and his brothers will be watching over him, and over your family as you work through the coming days. But you’re one of the strongest ladies I have ever known, and I know you’ll muscle your way through one way or another, and still be laughing on the other side. All the best of luck to you. We’re all behind you. <3
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Karine says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Kim, sorry to hear for this bad news. But I hope you know that you have a family here, and all support you need, you just call and we’re here, in fact we’re always on for whatever you need sweety, count with us. Sending so much love for you ♥
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magic says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:44 pm
First time commenter, long time reader of your blog. I am constantly in awe of your honesty, your anger, your courage, your joy and your capacity to love. I am so glad that you have your husband and daughter with you at the moment – and your friends to be there for you. And there is us. Your readers – and though I did not know your father, I grieve that you grieve.
I am much more of a coward than you. My relationship with my father and the way I grew up? I have allowed it to dictate my attitude to men. And I don’t know how to forgive him so I can move on. But reading your blogs has been like coming across a better version of me.
You quoted something about forgiveness once: ‘Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past’. I have not been able to do that yet myself, but I hope you can. Take care of yourself, Kim. And know that there are people all around the world with hugs at the ready, should you need extra ones xxx
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Krisse says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:55 pm
This might not be much coming from a stranger, but I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re in my thoughts. Sending you positive and strong vibes your way <3
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Christin says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm
I’m so sorry about your loss. I know how words can’t change anything that happened, but I hope that reading all the comments here and on twitter, it can show you how much we love you and how much each and everyone of us would do anything to be there for you right now. *sending virtual hugs and good strong vibes to you*
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Karen says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm
I hope that both he and you have found some measure of peace.
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Chloe says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:30 pm
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know this isn’t much coming from a stranger, but I just wanted to offer my condolences, and send love. From what I’ve seen of you, you are a wonderful person, and I really admire you. You’ll be in my thoughts. xxx
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Sandy says:
June 9, 2012 at 6:26 pm
Your bravery and openness in this blog continue to awe me. I hope you find solace in this sad time and with you and your family all the best.
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Rachel Crawford says:
June 9, 2012 at 6:32 pm
Kim, I think you are extremely brave and strong to have written this in such a tragic point in your life. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. This story is so beautifully written despite the tragedy it unfolds. I pray you find strength and peace in your endeavor to move forward. Blessed be.
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Beth says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:07 pm
Oh my gosh, sweet Kim. We’ve never met, but I wanted to reach out to you and send you my condolences. Hang in there as best you can and remember that there are many others out here in fandom who are thinking of you, praying for you, and sending you good vibes and much strength.
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Jen (longstorylong) says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:09 pm
Kim, I’m so sorry. I lost my father to cancer 5 1/2 years ago, under circumstances that are surprisingly similar to yours, complete with funny-journal-entries-that-maybe-shouldn’t-be-funny- but-really-are. It’s so hard when a difficult past complicates grief that should be straightforward. You have countless other offers, but I’ll add mine: if you want to rant to someone who’s sort of been there, please feel free to shoot me an email.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. My inner Italian Nana desperately wishes you were closer to Boston so I could bake for you or offer babysitting or something, but in the meantime, sending you all the virtual hugs you can stand.
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Alicia says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:36 pm
I’m glad your father’s pain is over, and I’m very sorry he wasn’t able to be the father you deserved. May you be able to find peace with him, and with this.
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Julie Christopher says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:50 pm
My warmest thoughts are with you and your family. Love and Light, Julie in Seattle.
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Courtney says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:51 pm
Kim,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t have any wise words, I don’t think there are words that can make loss like that feel any better. If you can, take comfort in the fact that your father is no longer suffering. I wish you and your family the best. <3
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nwhepcat says:
June 9, 2012 at 8:15 pm
Oh, Kim. Holy crap. What a clusterf**k. I know what it’s like to be scared of the people who are running an elderly relative’s life, and I get the dark humor that comes out of that kind of event. (In my case it was my niece and her husband moving in with my 89-year-old mom, and they were users in more than one way. The niece is in prison now after a crime spree of such ludicrous and epic proportions all I can do is make a wild story out of it. Look on the bright side — you aren’t actually related to the idiots who swarmed in on your father, so they’re out of your life.)
I’m sorry for your loss. Sending much warmth and good thoughts your way. You’re a pretty amazing woman — be kind to yourself through all this.
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Elizabeth says:
June 9, 2012 at 8:40 pm
Kim, I’m so sorry. My grandfather took himself out the same way and for similar reasons.
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Laura says:
June 9, 2012 at 8:53 pm
I hope you can find small comforts. I hope you can feel the support of family, friends, and even fans. I imagine there’s nothing anyone can say that will really ease the pain and grief, but I hope you can feel that’s what we’re aiming for. All my love to you and yours.
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Bren says:
June 9, 2012 at 10:00 pm
In Love and Light,
May you be guided through this nightmare in a way that instills comfort–
to be felt in the depths of your soul.
To share your experience (so deeply personal) with each of us, reminds
me of how truly brave you are. And your level of spirit resonates with every
one in here; evidenced by the many lovely comments.
May you experience peace within, at least 10-fold of that which you have
showered us via your humour, grace, love, wit & charm. Most Respectfully, B
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Nikki says:
June 9, 2012 at 10:15 pm
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry it had to happen this way. {hugs}
I might not know you, but I love you anyway. I hope your heart heals soon.
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Kate says:
June 9, 2012 at 11:17 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you had to deal with so much insanity from those people. It’s a blessing that he was able to take control of his life back, and go out on his own terms — and that you’re able to appreciate the dark humor of life’s twists and turns, which always helps the grieving process a little. I wish you and your family all the best.
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Janna Balthaser says:
June 9, 2012 at 11:33 pm
Imagine there were words that could settle in around you like a pack of sleepy puppies and soothe the biting ache in your soul; words that could call up the best of the emotions you feel for your father; words that had the momentum and force to blast away all the less pleasant thoughts that are looping through your head and heart. Imagine there were words I could write that would lift away the weight of the unending moment of sorrow in which you find yourself, that would bring to you light and release and joy, and wrap themselves around you like the arms of the most loving presence you can envisage.
Now imagine I have just said those words to you, right now.
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Mary Waters says:
June 10, 2012 at 12:04 am
Oh I’m so sorry for your loss, your Dad sounded like a real character. Mine died January after years in a home with severe dementia, my Mum last December from painful and debilitating emphysema. I admire your Dad for taking control when he still could. I wish you and family all the peace in the world x
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Yasmin says:
June 10, 2012 at 12:06 am
Love and prayers to you during this difficult time Kim. Xxx
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Melanie ( @Mimicreature.Twitter.com) says:
June 10, 2012 at 12:08 am
Dammit, Kim. What a shitstorm. After how many years of headaches and fear and wondering what the right thing was for you to do, he finally… well, I’m sorry, Kim. Christ knows I wish I could help you through this. I’ll light a candle for him and you. I’ll say a Death Petition for rememberance. I’ll burn sage for cleanliness of memory and thought. I’ll be sad and angry for you. I’ll be stoic, too, if you need that. You’re right, ya know… you are loved. And it is True Real Actual Love. We’re not just your fans, Kim. We’re in it with you, as much as you’ll let us be. We know your boundaries, but, should you need us… Love you so very much.~~
Forgiveness is the scent the violet leaves on the hell that crushed it.
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Hollie says:
June 10, 2012 at 12:31 am
Sorry for your loss
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Amanda says:
June 10, 2012 at 1:56 am
I can’t deny it: when I got the email to say you had posted something new, I smiled. When I read it, I was still smiling, right till the end (there was a fair bit of tutting and head shaking going on as well, I hasten to add – twas crazy stuff). But on reading the final few lines, I had to send my love. I’m so sorry for your loss, Kim. My heart goes out to you. And I’m glad your Dad is at peace now. *healing hugs*
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Barbara McDowell says:
June 10, 2012 at 3:32 am
Kim, I wanted to wait for a while to write something, because although I’ve only met you once, I feel like I know you because of the honesty in your blog. I wanted to tell you how much I feel for you now, but I don’t really know how you are feeling. I lost my beautiful Dad just about 7 years ago, and as an only child I knew I was the centre of his life, especially after we lost my Mum. He was so giving and unselfish, and when he died I missed him so much but because we had such a good life, nothing was left unsaid, and nothing much regretted. When I think of him, which is very often, it’s always with a smile.
I think the reason that I’ve found this hard to write, is that I cannot begin to imagine your feelings at this time, when grief is so raw, but complicated by the issues with your Dad which you have so honestly recounted. I can only hope that you are able to come to terms with his loss and
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Barbara McDowell says:
June 10, 2012 at 3:40 am
perhaps the father/daughter relationship that could have been. I hope that in time you will be able to smile fondly at the memories of the good times that you had together. In the meantime you have a wonderful husband and daughter to support and distract you, and a whole extended ‘family’ who are thinking of you at this time. Love and best wishes.
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Leslie D. says:
June 10, 2012 at 5:35 am
So sorry for your loss.
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Stina says:
June 10, 2012 at 5:36 am
Oh Kim,
I’m so sorry to hear this. I don’t even really know you, but I have been thinking about you and this story especially all day. Stay strong!
*Hugs*
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Lisa says:
June 10, 2012 at 7:01 am
Kim, I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn’t seem adequate enough to say that and I wish I could do something to help. Just know that there are those of us who have been there with our relatives and know what you are going through. We love you and are thinking of you during this time. Sending virtual hugs your way.
Much love,
Lisa
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Lindsay says:
June 10, 2012 at 9:05 am
I’m sure you know that there are literally thousands of us out here who, while not personally knowing you, care and love you. We are sorry for your loss and while it will take time adjusting, at least your father isn’t suffering with any physical or emotional pains anymore. Just remember that you have an amazing group of people all over the world who would drop everything to give you their time if you need it. I’ll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts. *hugs*
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Tatiana says:
June 10, 2012 at 11:21 am
Oh I can’t imagine how you feel now… I’m so sorry for your grief and loss. I wish you to have a strength to stand it. I infinitely respect you and your attitude to life. And I hope your farther are in peace now. *loving hugs*
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Colleen says:
June 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm
Kim,
I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to your father. I’m sending virtual hugs your way. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
With Love,
Colleen
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Roberts says:
June 10, 2012 at 2:50 pm
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I have no idea what you must be going through but I just want you to know that we are all here for you and that your dad is in an amazing place. I know this probably means very little to you, or nothing at all but I feel the need to say something. I wish you and your family the best through these hard times. Love and hugs. x
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wayward_wings says:
June 10, 2012 at 5:08 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that you’re in my thoughts and the thoughts and hearts of all your fans. I give you my best to get through this difficult time.
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Kathleen says:
June 10, 2012 at 8:19 pm
Oh, well, shit. Since the usual responses to this stick in the craw given what we know from what you shared with us for so long, let me offer this. As you see many of us ache for you and long to be there to grow hoarse with you as you rail against yet another bitter blow and to be there to help you pick up the pieces yet again and find the strength to believe in the existence of a good day. I hope the admiration, love, and encouragement we send to you can be of some support to you in this difficult, conflicting time. Thank you for sharing everything you are with us. I truly wish I could give so much more back to you.
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GlissyVega says:
June 10, 2012 at 10:07 pm
Kim, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Really I’m sorry, All my prayer for you and your family. Kim You are strong. He now is in better place, with God. Kim I’m with you, hug and kisses
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GlissyVega says:
June 10, 2012 at 10:20 pm
God will heal you, will make you smile, but he will make you stronger in every path. God will never let you alone; your father is your angel and he is beside you everyday.
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Kelly says:
June 11, 2012 at 5:23 am
I wish I could think of something better to say than I’m sorry. I don’t deal well with this death and loss,, so I wasn’t going to say anything at all, but I couldn’t let this go without acknowledging that it happened. I hope you get the peace you deserve now.
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Lozi says:
June 11, 2012 at 11:35 am
Kim, you don’t know who I am, but I just want you to know that I am so, so sorry for what has happened, and I want you to know you and your family will be in my prayers. And believe me when I say the Supernatural family will be there for you, and I know they will all be thinking of you during this difficult time. If there is anything we can do, please do not hesitate to let us know. Remember that family doesn’t end with blood. Stay the strong person we all know you to be, and know that we all love you dearly
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Emily says:
June 11, 2012 at 11:42 am
Kim, please know that (though you don’t know me) you have my love and support. You and your family are in my thoughts.
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Evie says:
June 11, 2012 at 1:47 pm
I’m sorry to hear this, Kim, you and your family are in my thoughts. Stay strong xx
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Jessica says:
June 12, 2012 at 8:02 am
Over 100 comments in less than 4 days…. I think it’s no secret that you are not alone.
Cry the tears, throw the plates, stomp the feet, do whatever it is that you need to do. You are a strong, kind, amazing human being and there is no such thing as weakness in these situations.
Spend this time with those that you love. Let them lift you up and put smiles on your face. And when that family starts to drive you nuts (as family tends to do) just know that your “other family” is here for you.
May hugs to you, Kim. I’ll tick another one on to the “Hugs for Kim” list
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Claire says:
June 12, 2012 at 10:39 pm
You are unlike anyone else Kim Rhodes. Inimitable. Strong and courageous and damn funny. And meaningful in ways that take me by surprise more often than I would have thought possible.
This is a sucky thing that’s happened. Made both more and less so in its inevitability.
Feel what you need to feel. Do what you need to do. And keep coming back to us…
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Tracy says:
June 13, 2012 at 12:41 am
I so love the internet. I just found your blog in my early am wanderings.Good for you for going public with the details. I’m beginning to think more people should talk openly about suicide. I’m meeting people EVERY DAY who want to end it all yet no one talks about it. It’s still a taboo subject.
In a strange way I’m going to miss your dad even though I met him only this last fall. I’m so glad you were able to have a candid discussion with him. He swore to me he wouldn’t do it on several occasions, but then he also knew if he was too honest with me I would have linked my arm in his and taken him for a three day “vacation”. I’m starting to think of men that age as “The Frank Sinatra Generation” they’re going to do it their way… and that’s all right, that is how they were tought to be.
I’ll be sending healing thoughts your way. The adrenaline rush of crummy news like this does awful things to your body. It’s a roller coaster you just have to ride out. I trust you’ll be surrounding yourself with the love of good friends and family. Take Care.
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JAGMEET SINGH says:
June 13, 2012 at 9:25 am
omg…. sorry to hear about your father. my heart goes out to you and your family. may god gives peace to the departed soul. GOD BLESS…….
читать дальшеrhodeside.vuxe.com/?p=600#comments
heil tweaker
June 8, 2012 by kim
PREFACE: I compose my blogs in my head. I find it gives me something to do rather than indulging in road rage or leafing through PEOPLE magazine in the checkout line. I’ve been composing this as a comedy because funny is good and apparently I have been inducing tears recently. This began as really riotous material, however some events have transpired that I will probably include that you may not find exactly knee-slapping. I, on the other hand, am laughing hysterically. Hysterically.
A week and a half ago, the following conversation took place between my Dad and a family friend named Wade:
WADE: So are we going out for breakfast?
DAD: Did we say we were going for breakfast this morning?
WADE: Uh, yes. Yes we did. We spoke on the phone.
DAD: Great! I forgot.
WADE: You still want to go?
DAD: Yes! Yes, let’s go have breakfast. Had some excitement the other day, must have slipped my mind.
WADE: Excitement?
DAD: Yep. Woke up and the house was full of smoke. I gotta hand it to that spotty fella. He got his leg strapped on and got down here, put the fire out before there was hardly any damage. I said I’d cook dinner, but he’s only got a couple of teeth left so it would have to be soup. That girl left something on the stove again.
Ooooookay. See, it’s like this. The woman who has been “taking care” of Dad, you know, the one who has a remarkable physical and energetic resemblance to a methamphetamine user, has been sleeping upstairs. Upstairs, where my Dad can’t get to because he can no longer climb stairs. Apparently she was not the only one up there. When Wade went up, there were eight mattresses on the floor, in various states of disarray, and a distinct aroma of body. But it seemed she was the only one actually present.
Her house has burned twice in the last year, thus her need to stay with my Dad. Well, that and his bank account. The other mattresses didn’t belong to her children, the state had removed them from her after reports that the six year old had been eating mustard for breakfast. So they probably belonged to Gimpy and his friends.
WADE: Well, Frank, let’s just get your keys and go.
DAD: Don’t have ‘em.
WADE: Where are they?
DAD: Dunno. Ask her.
She said she didn’t know. They had all been “lost”.
Hahahahahaaaaa.
The police told me Dad’s car has been at the scene of two felonies and generally is parked at the house of a known White Supremacist gang leader. They make good money cooking and selling meth. All but one of Dad’s guns have gone missing, but good news! One may have been recovered in the car as a gang member ran from it. (He left it behind so he stood a chance at scaling the six-foot fence. He failed. For a superior race, they sure are dumb sometimes.)
Let’s return to the description of the dude who made it down the stairs to put the fire out, shall we? “Spotty”. This is a kind way of describing a human being who has a complexion not unlike the lunar landscape. Hot.
“Got his leg strapped on”. I think this speaks for itself. I mean, admittedly, there is something to be admired in a man who can strap it on while descending a staircase. That requires agility and nimbleness that I may not personally possess, but come on. Dude is missing a leg.
“A couple of teeth”. Really? So monopedal and bidental. Again…. hot.
This is what counts for the Master Race in Southeast Portland. Hitler must be so proud. Thank goodness they can identify themselves with a raised arm, palm facing downward, because if there were code words or they still had to goose step, this guy would be screwed. Any syllables required not spewing saliva or proper articulation would have to be written out in crayon. Hopefully spelling wouldn’t count.
Wade informed the woman that he would be returning with the police and, three hours later, the house was clear. He did find a chinchilla in a cage in Dad’s garage, however. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s funny all by itself. Maybe they had a fiendish plan to take over the fur industry and get everybody in perfect white mittens. But I hear it takes a lot of chinchillas to do that.
I always pictured Aryans as being strapping blond lads with blue eyes and abdominal muscles you could play washboard tunes on. But these are what you get in real life. Angry, lame, slurring addicts who live in an old man’s house and get a prostitute to inebriate him, drive him to the bank, withdraw money, and spend it on artificial limbs. Then they try to cook meth on an ancient electric stove. Note to all of you: never pass out while cooking meth. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Not that they are harmless. I’m sure they would stab me in the ear if any of them happen to read my blog. But I’m finding it difficult to muster up an appropriate amount of terror at their nefarious scheme to take over the world and rinse it of any undesirable bloodline. I mean, they abandoned three kids in a garage behind my Dad’s house, so if their own lines aren’t pure, I’m not sure how they are going to accomplish it.
Somehow I doubt this is the man Hitler pictured running the world. More likely this is the man Hitler would have used to check the temperature on his ovens.
Dad kicked them all out by some miracle, including the little bitch running his life, and changed the locks. He called my other friend who is a police sergeant and proudly told him this fact. He said he finally had keys to his own house. This was last Saturday. He promised he wouldn’t do it again.
He made sure of it.
I remember having a conversation with Dad when I told him I supported whatever he had to do. He was in such immense pain, both physical and emotional, and I strongly believe we should all get to leave life on our own terms when we have gone as far as we can go. “But Dad,” I said, “don’t do it when you’re drunk.”
“Why not?” he asked.
“Because you’ll probably miss and end up on life support for six years and that would suck.”
So Sunday night when I saw my Dad’s neighbor pop up on my Caller ID, I braced myself and spoke with her.
“Your Dad shot himself.”
I said the only thing I could think of. “Did he die?”
“Yes.”
See, now, how funny is it that compared to the gang of pock-marked, racist, homophobes, Dad was NOT the fuck up?
Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaa.
Category a bit more serious | Tags:
A Love Letter
145 Comments »
Nova says:
June 8, 2012 at 8:52 pm
Kim, I’m sorry to hear the news. You don’t know me from Benjamin, but in all seriousness, if you find yourself in the South Bay with need of anything, don’t hesitate to send me a message and I’ll do whatever I can.
In other news, the Master Race ain’t lookin’ so hot lately, huh. Yeowch.
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Jax says:
June 8, 2012 at 8:54 pm
Oh, God, Kim. I’m so so sorry. My heart goes out to you for all that you’ve been through. You were a wonderful daughter. You did what you could. You’re in my thoughts. Hugs and healing to you.
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emh says:
June 8, 2012 at 8:54 pm
I’m so sorry to hear this! *hugs*
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waywardangels says:
June 8, 2012 at 8:55 pm
*hugs*
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Alix says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:01 pm
I actually found that quite an uplifting story, in an odd sort of way. I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m glad that your dad’s final act wasn’t a fuck-up. All my love to you and your family.
(Such a weird comment, it feels like…but it’s not a traditional ‘my dad died’ story, so I thought it deserved an equally non-traditional ‘my condolences’ comment.)
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Cindy says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:02 pm
Kim I’m know you dont know me but I offer my support & lots of virtual hugs! I really dont know how to express myself & my feelings but just offer whatever support I can. *hugs*
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Estelle says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:08 pm
You will be in our thoughts, Kim. I am sorry to hear the news. You’re a fierce and strong lady. You’re wonderful x
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Maddie says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:09 pm
Oh, Kim. My heart aches for you and your family. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending strength and love your way.
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Dark Cygnet says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:14 pm
Kim, I am so very sorry to hear this. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I know this must be so hard for you but like you said, your Dad needed to do what he needed to do. Doesn’t make it any easier, I know.
Karen
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Tina Anton says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:18 pm
I am sorry for your loss. <3. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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Nathaniel says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:20 pm
I am so sorry. I wish I could do something other than just say those four words that you’ve heard and will probably be hearing for a while. You deserve more. But I have nothing else to offer and I just want you to know that something good will come out of this (if it hasn’t already). I don’t know when or how, but it will. Have faith in that.
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Ela says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:25 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad he was able to choose his exit, but even so… grief is a funny thing.
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Vicki says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:26 pm
Kim, I’m so very sorry about your Dad. My thoughts are with you and your family. I know I’m a random stranger, but felt compelled to say I’m thinking of you at this time.
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Sarah says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:34 pm
Kim, I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I’m sure you’ve heard those words a thousand times now, and I know that we don’t know one another, but I admire you so very much. You’re an amazing, inspirational woman, and you’ve had such a positive impact on so many lives. All of my love and support, and peace and healing your way.
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Stasia says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:34 pm
My condolences for your loss, Kim.
/digital hugs
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LauraD says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:35 pm
Sometimes it seems life is a school room – you can spend all day at the recess playground, but you won’t learn anything. You haven’t spent much time on the swings. Still, it doesn’t make this any easier.
Take comfort in those who have joined you on your life’s journey. Accept the love that comes, as hard as that is sometimes. You’ve got my thoughts.
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Stephanie says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:43 pm
You’re amazing, and I know this is a hard time but.. your outlook on it, and turning it into something positive is astounding. A lot of people don’t get it, how I often feel about Death, when someone be it a pet or a loved one of the human variety pass away, and though I’ll cry and miss them to pieces in private or have moments of being sad… overall, I’m just not as torn up as most people. Because I think of it this way. When they were with me, I loved them, and they loved me. They lived life to the fullest, they lived life on their terms and no matter how it ends, that is never going to leave me. Their love for me, and my love for them is never going to die, and though they aren’t here with me in person anymore It’s not like they’re really gone. Though I will miss them terribly, I don’t regret a thing, and that’s what’s important. Your dad sounds like a great man, and you’re a daughter who made him proud. Nothing will ever take that away.
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Allison says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:44 pm
Kim, I am one of the many random followers and fans of your blog. Family can be hard to deal with, but they are still our family. For lack of better words, I too am sorry for your loss. I’m sorry that he felt the only way to keep that all from happening again was such a final one. But I hope you will finally have some peace.
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Mary says:
June 8, 2012 at 9:52 pm
I am so sorry for all of the stress these people must have put you and your father through, as well as all of your loved ones. I’m sorry that the resulting actions seemed to be the only peaceful way out of every situation your father was in. Just know that he is in peace now, and no longer in pain.
This not only comes from me, but also from your very loyal fans in the Supernatural fandom. You are one of us, and we do what we can to treat each other like family, because “family don’t end with blood.”
Please know that although most of us have never met you, and may not ever get that chance, we are all here for you and to support you. You are an amazing woman, and we love you.
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Mary says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:01 pm
When my dad (who WAS a fuck up) died this past November, the first thing i thought was “omg, i’m half an orphan now.” weird to think that since i barely knew the guy. also, i’m 29 so not so much an orphan…
the second thing i thought was, “well i’m really not fucking surprised. Drugs’ll kill ya. what a shocker.”
the third thing was, “maybe i’ll finally be able to have a relationship with him now.”
and honestly, i do. I have talked to him more in these last seven months than i ever had in my whole life.
and though sometimes those words comes out through clenched teeth, it’s more than i have ever said. and i don’t have to listen to his bullshit, so yay, even better.
Your dad isn’t here the way you’re used to, but he’s still with you. Don’t be afraid to talk to him. Or to cry. or to fucking scream at him until your throat is raw. He already knows what you’re feeling, but it doesn’t hurt to reiterate. He may not need to hear it, but you need to say it.
You’re strong and smart and funny. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. I don’t even have to say that i hope you’ll get through this okay because i KNOW you will.
Take care.
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Les says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:09 pm
There really aren’t words for this…you’re in my thoughts…
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Dave says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:17 pm
Hey, you don’t know me but I’m part of your fanbase on tumblr, and also an avid reader of your blog. I just wanted to let you know that all our hearts and prayers are with you. You’re wonderful and we love you, and I hope you’re alright.
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Tamren says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:21 pm
Oh Kim. I’m so, so sorry. I had such a bad feeling when I read your last message. Just had this sinking, sick-to-my-stomach feeling. I realize you don’t know me from Adam and that I don’t really ‘know’ you but please believe me when I say, after reading your blog, I can definitely empathize with your situation. It’s hard to watch someone you love struggling with life. And even harder, struggling with death. I wish I had the words to comfort to you. Truth is.. there aren’t any. Just know that you are in my thoughts. And my prayers. I hope your father has at last found the peace he so desperately searched for. And I hope that he is once again with your mother. Always remember, you did your best and he loved you. I’ll be praying to the god of my understanding that you might find some peace for yourself as well. You deserve it. I don’t have to have met you physically to know you have a beautiful soul. Bless you sweet lady.
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Maria says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:24 pm
You’ve seen the old Bogart movie Treasure of the Sierra Madre? The scene at the end where after all the death and greed and villiany, the gold dust is blowing away in the wind and Walter Huston just sits there and laughs hysterically? This is what I thought of reading about the ubermenschen fuck ups and your father. I can’t know what you’re feeling, of course, but the sense of he can’t do anything else crazy was large in my heart when my father died and I get a similar feeling from what you’ve written.
Admiration and virtual hugs of support,
M
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Adria says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:26 pm
Kim, I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling, going through, or thinking right now…but you should know that the entire Supernatural fandom is behind you, supporting you, loving you. I’m so sorry this happened. We love you.
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Taylor says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:26 pm
I wish there was something I could say except for keep being strong. I can’t imagine what this must be like for you. I’m not necessarily a religious person, but you will definitely be in my thoughts.
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Carolyn says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:29 pm
You’re much stronger than I could ever be in the face of my dad’s death. We love you. You got an army at your back if you ever need to lean back and rest for awhile <3
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Andy says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:34 pm
I’m so sorry to hear about that, Miss Kim! Well, read it. I really must agree with you, though. It’s better he ended his suffering and didn’t end up on life support for years. Take care of yourself!
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Jenny says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:36 pm
Oh, god. I’m so, so sorry about your dad. I’m in tears just reading about it. God, that’s so messed up. I’m so sorry. I wish there was any way I could make you as happy as you’ve made me feel over the years, but I know that’s impossible right now. Just know when you’re grieving that you have SO many people — people you don’t even know — who love you. Stay strong. We’re all behind you, Kim.
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Bianca says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:43 pm
Kim, I’m sorry for your loss. You’re an amazing woman who no doubt got it from her amazing father. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.
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Elisabeth says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:43 pm
Kim, you don’t know me. And I hardly know you. But I just want to let you know that I’m here for you, we’re all here for you and for your loss. I can’t possibly imagine what it’s like for such loss, but it must be unfathomable. You can pull through this, we know you can. Keep your chin up, and stay strong. x
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Eileen says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:45 pm
Oh….I am terribly sorry… you are an awesome human being and I wish the best for you family. <3333333
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Lila Kane says:
June 8, 2012 at 10:55 pm
Dear Kim,
I am so so sorry for your loss. To say it’s awful really doesn’t cover it nor do it any justice. It’s all I can think to say and I hope all my love and support comes across. Can’t imagine, but know you and your father are in my thoughts.
Many many hugs.
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Tamren says:
June 8, 2012 at 11:01 pm
Oh god. I just realized that yesterday was your birthday.
Oh how I wish I could offer you something besides words.
If I could, I’d cook you a big bunch of southern ‘comfort food’ & brew you a big pitcher of iced tea. And if that didn’t help (at least a little!), I’d break out the apple pie flavored moonshine. Let you sit on our dock, dangle your toes in the lake and sip on that ‘shine till the sun come up. Then tuck you into bed with one of my granny’s clothes line dried quilts. ((Hugs)) Consider it an open invitation. ♥
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Heather says:
June 8, 2012 at 11:03 pm
So sorry for your loss.
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Nycole Echeverria says:
June 8, 2012 at 11:10 pm
Kim, I’m so sorry to hear about your father. You’ll be in my thoughts.
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Alexandra says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:00 am
My jaw dropped in shock at the ending to this entry. So very sorry about how it all ended but at least he did it on his terms and hopefully is at peace. My thoughts go out to you and yours.
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Mangacat says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:03 am
In this trying time, I hope you can find solace in the love and support of your family and friends, you are in my thoughts. Take care.
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Paula Vee says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:06 am
There aren’t any words to do this justice. I’ve read every word of your blog. I’ve laughed, and cried, and found truths and guidance. I met you briefly once, but I hardly know you. Nevertheless, the window that you have provided into your life through this blog, allows me to say this: You are a rare breed. Despite everything, you’re intact. You have persevered through so much, you are amazing. A pillar of strength in a sea of wrathful horror, you are an inspiration, and a guiding light. And because of this, your perspective on life is unique, and inspiring.
I haven’t got any advice for you, because so very often, through reading your blogs, I find that you give me the missing piece of the puzzle. Your experiences mirror my own in so many ways, that you often have given me the strength to carry on, to fix my problems, to change my outlook on life, simply through your blog. You have suffered, your father has suffered, and suicide is such a complicated idea. I wish him the ability to find what he was looking for in ending it, whether it be an end to the pain, a solution to the problem, or peace in a life of confusion and hardship. Your strength will carry you through. I know that the wisdom you have gained in your life’s experiences will help you.
I just wanted to communicate to you that you are a remarkable person. You have helped and touched me and so many others, just by being yourself. You make my life less painful and hopefully, this and all of the other comments can make this just a little less painful. You don’t know me, I don’t know you, and this may not mean much. But thank you for sharing your experiences, thoughts, feelings. It has helped me cope with my horrible experiences, troubling thoughts, and careening feelings. I’m so incredibly sorry, for everything, for every event that sent your life tail spinning to a place that is dark and confusing. But you, of all people, will find the light. I hope, and I pray, that you find peace in this as well. I don’t know how you’re feeling, and I don’t know how to help.
But I have faith in you.
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Tam says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:11 am
As an avid reader of your blog, and as someone who also has a complex relationship with her father, I feel like I should have something of substance to say. After thinking (and then thinking some more) I realized I honestly don’t have magic words to bring comfort in this sad, fucked up situation, or to express how badly I wish I could be of help. I’m thinking of you and your family, and sending out love in your direction. Take care of yourself.
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Kathryn says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:21 am
I can’t say anything that either hasn’t been said before, or that will help. I wish I could, but I can’t.
However, I *can* say that you’re incredibly strong to post something like this and if you need someone to talk to, well, I know what losing a father is like.
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jesse says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:29 am
I am very sorry for your loss.
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Els says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:39 am
Kim, I’m so very sorry for your loss. You have the support and love of all of your fans behind you.
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Sam says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:40 am
I’m so sorry for the pain all this has caused you. I hope you can find some peace now.
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Jenny/@secertbutterfly says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:48 am
I wish I had magic words that could be helpful to you right now. Just know that I care and that if you ever need anything, let us know.
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Lisanne says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:03 am
Dear Kim, I’m so sorry to hear about this, and I wish you all the best in dealing with this loss. It’s difficult to find words here. I just want to say that I think the way you handled your father’s impending decision, is something I truly admire. It must have been so hard.
I wish you all the best, and know that even though you’ve never met most of us, we do support you, and we care. So take care.
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B.J. says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:25 am
Dear Kim,
My heart goes out to you and your family. It is so hard to see family declining. When you are sick and hurting, sometimes there seems to be only one way out. You can’t ever question if you could have done more. What got me through was just accepting that everyone did the best they could at the time. That’s all you can ask of your loved ones and yourself. I’m glad you had the chance to talk with your dad and he knew you supported him. My dad never gave us the chance…and yet, it wasn’t a total surprise. Maybe we just didn’t have the courage to really confront the issue and hear his thoughts.
My sister knew a grief counselor and she asked her if it is easier to know that they were sick and this was coming, one way or another. The grief counselor responded that it is never easy, never expected…even if it is. It still hits you and it still hurts.
Wishing you all the best in this journey. With your writing, it should help to put to paper your thoughts, whether you share them here or perhaps write your dad a letter. We all did that with my dad, and my young nephews drew pictures. Just our way of saying goodbye.
Take care.
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kellyd says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:52 am
you are an amazing woman Kim, my heart goes to you.
take care of yourself xx
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Marie says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:57 am
I’m really sorry for your loss. sadly there’s nothing more to say than banalities and I don’t want to say those. I strongly hope you’ll find all the love and support you’ll need.
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Justine says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:02 am
Kim, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I am just another stranger, usually part of the mostly silent half of your readers. No one who has ever read your blog with disagree: we are all incredibly inspired and comforted by the words you choose to share with us. Today I hope that our shy words can give back to you some of the hope and faith you’ve kindly shared with us. You and your family will be in my thoughts. Take care.
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Lesley says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:36 am
So sorry for your loss xx
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Elizabeth says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:48 am
I’m sending all the good thoughts and hugs that I have in your direction, and I’m so sorry for your loss, and for everything that’s happened. I hope you’re able to find love and support from the friends and family in your life, and I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.
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freaksoldier says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:52 am
there’s nothing any of us can say to make any of this better, but you have my thoughts and my deepest condolences. i’m sorry for your loss
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Robin says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:55 am
No matter what has happened, the death of a parent is always hard. You may not grieve for the present or even the past, but you grieve for what could have been and wasn’t. You grieve for the lost opportunities and the lost moments. You grieve for the lost hope.
You have my deepest condolences on you loss.
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Claudia says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:05 am
Words fail me….I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending good thoughts your way from the other side of the world.
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Claire says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:06 am
Kim, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss and of the difficult circumstances leading up to your Dad’s passing. I hope that he’s found the peace he needs now and that you can, too.
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Mona Rahm says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:14 am
I’m so sorry for your loss. Wish I could hug you. Family is something we don’t get to choose. We are more or less stuck with them we have. Sometimes family can be the most beautiful thing in the world and sometimes the most painful. Whatever situaton we love, we hate, we cry, we live and adjust with our family.
I’m an avid reader of your blog but this is my first comment on your blog. Would like to say that you are a remarkable, strong and amazing person. Thank you so much for sharing your life and thoughts with us all. You are an inspiration. Take care!
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Damon says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:27 am
Let me if there’s anything I can do. I’m not far. Ron’s just around the corner too. You know the area code. 750-1024.
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Miri says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:32 am
Just another one of your myriad fans and readers here, Kim, but adding my condolences too. Your outlook on this situation is incredible, and your strength continues to be an inspiration to me and others, but still, I’m so, so sorry about your father. He sounds like he was an impressive guy in his own right, right through to the end. You’re in the thoughts of me and everyone else here.
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Damon says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:40 am
I just connected the 3 abandoned kids with all of this. So. Incredibly. Fucked. Up. SIFU. Wow. Much love and respect to you. Again, see my previous reply.
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Madeleine says:
June 9, 2012 at 4:52 am
I’m not very good at condolences … and it seems a bit stupid to ‘hope you’re okay’ and tell you ‘I’m so sorry’, because while I am sorry, and I do hope you’re okay, how can you be okay after something like that?
So instead, I’ll just tell you what you already know – you have a lot of people who love you, and even though you may have never met some of them, we still love you aplenty, and will do anything we can to ‘help you through this’.
If you ever happen to find yourself in lil’ ol’ England, you will have support, love and care from many folk here… <3
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Teresa says:
June 9, 2012 at 5:02 am
Oh, I’m so sorry. *hugs*
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Callisto says:
June 9, 2012 at 5:14 am
I’m out of words. Please accept my sincere condolences.
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Tania says:
June 9, 2012 at 5:50 am
I’m really sorry for your lost. I lost a member of my family recently and know how hard it is. All my love and support to you.
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April says:
June 9, 2012 at 6:10 am
I’m really sorry for your loss, but glad he was able to choose his exit. I’m amazed at how strong you are when faced with things as hard as this, you really are an amazing person and we’re all so proud of you! xxx
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sheilamcclune says:
June 9, 2012 at 6:13 am
Oh, Kim, I’m so sorry. I wish there was more that I could say, something I could do. You’re an amazing woman. Hugs to you and your family. My thoughts are with you.
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Beth says:
June 9, 2012 at 6:37 am
Kim no words from me will help but I am sending you my strength, love and comfort as you have done through your words so many times in the past
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Sabrina says:
June 9, 2012 at 6:53 am
My love and prayers go out to you. My fiancé just died April 8, 2012 from alcoholism. I had to watch him drink himself to death for the past two years. It was just the two of us and I didn’t have all the drug-addicted psychos to deal with as your dad did, but it was bad enough. Danny was the best person I’ve ever known and he left me with more amazing memories than I can count. Idk how the fuck to live without ever seeing him or touching him again. Your post, with your special brand of humor… so touching and so sweet. Thank you for writing about your pain b/c it’s helping me so much with my pain. I hope you can find some peace in knowing, at least, that the stress of never knowing what’ll happen to your dad, is finally gone. I’m trying to look at it that way. (And I just purchased Jim’s book about the loss of his wife; hoping it’ll help me cope.) I love you and I wish you nothing but happiness in this short, shitty life that we have.
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natalie says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:03 am
Kim, I am so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I am, however, glad he had the support of his family in making that decision. You’ll be in my thoughts x
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Kerry says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:34 am
Kim, all my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in this difficult time. Condolences, love and support are being sent your way. x
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Bettina says:
June 9, 2012 at 8:05 am
I’m not good with words. I’m so sorry. HUGS!!
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Jules says:
June 9, 2012 at 8:13 am
I am not sure if I should say that I am sorry for your loss, or happy for you regaining a little bit more freedom and hope that you can feel relieved. But I am sure you will make the best of this weird situation! *hugs
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e says:
June 9, 2012 at 8:17 am
your strength is inspiring. we are all here for you, Kim.
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Nikki K. says:
June 9, 2012 at 9:38 am
I’m so sorry, Kim. Thoughts and prayers with you and your family, sweetie!
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Kate says:
June 9, 2012 at 9:43 am
Hey Kim I heard about the passing of your father. I just wanted to say your family and you are in my prayers. So very sorry for your loss. :/
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tracey says:
June 9, 2012 at 9:46 am
I’m sorry. I had a father figure go out that way. Wish for your sake that he’d done better in life, or found a better way to express his regrets. For what it’s worth, he gave the world you as you are, and a whole lot of us owe him for that in some measure. Deepest sympathy to you & your family.
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Karen says:
June 9, 2012 at 10:16 am
Kim I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.
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Kat says:
June 9, 2012 at 10:23 am
Kim, I’m so sorry for your loss. I know what it feels like, as I’ve lost people close to me, and I know it’s hard to pull through, but we’ve all been there, we’ve all done that. Just remember the good times. Take care~
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xenascully says:
June 9, 2012 at 10:36 am
Oh my god. I was laughing right up until that end part. Then I just kinda sat here in shock.
I get why you were hysterically laughing. Maybe at this point it’s actually literally hysteria. The tragic and fucked up aspect of all of it, with no choice but to either be absolutely completely pissed off, or just laugh because it’s that or cry, and crying tends to cause stuffy nose and headaches after the amount you’d have to do, here.
Kim, you know I’ve had some similar…errr well, I suppose in the level of INSANITY they’re similar, incidents happen recently. Well, actually maybe you don’t. You’ve been gone for a while. But you know how to find me, and don’t hesitate to do so, if you just want to go on a rampage without worrying about grammatical correctness for the sake of blogging lol.
I love ya, girl <3 *huge hugs*
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Ellie says:
June 9, 2012 at 11:27 am
Oh Kim! I don’t know if I can adequately express what I want to say but I’ll try.
Firstly I love you as you’re such an amazing, strong woman, if I had daughters I’d be proud if they grew up like you . I have sons though so if one of them brings home a woman like you I would be grateful and impressed by their awesome taste.
Your father is now at peace and isn’t that ultimately what we wish for those we love, even if it’s mixed with other emotions too.
Hopefully you will be able to take some measure of comfort from the fact that he took control of his own life even if only briefly.
I’m truly sorry for your loss and hope you can forgive him the wrongs he did you so that you don’t become another casualty.
With love and hugs, Ellie xx
P.S. If you’re ever in the Scottish Highlands, my door is always open to you
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Sarah says:
June 9, 2012 at 11:38 am
I’m so sorry for your loss, Kim. You’ll be in my thoughts. xx
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Anabelle says:
June 9, 2012 at 11:58 am
Kim, I am so sorry for your loss and I cannot even fathom what it must feel like to lose a parent or anyone so close to me for that matter. You have been an inspiration to so many people, myself included, and you’re such a strong wonderful woman. You, along with your family, are in my thoughts and heart. <3
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Sam says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm
I lost my dad in 2002. It is hard to believe he’s been gone for almost 10 years. It gets easier as time passes, but still hurts. I am thinking of you. <3
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Julia L says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm
Kim, we are so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through right now, but all of us are here for you.
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Verena says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:06 pm
Oh my, what a story. I am so sorry for your loss. You’re such a wonderful, strong woman, I hope everything will be fine for you.
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Maddie says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:08 pm
Kim, I’m so so so sorry for your loss, you’re such a strong woman and I can’t even comprehend how you feel right now. You’re in my thoughts, take care.
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Jennifer says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:13 pm
So this might be wrong but I can’t helo thinking your dad went out like Hunter S. Thompson, on his own terms and no one else’s.
I hope he found peace. I truly do.
I hope you and your family are alright. Words kind of suck and since I can’t hug you or make inappropriate jokes in person I’ll just keep thinking of you hoping you somehow get my mushy lovey vibes.
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Cara S. says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:23 pm
I know you’ve been going through so much lately. I’m so sorry about your father. It doesn’t matter what sort of people our parents are or how old we are, when they’re taken from us we’re children all over again. I wish you all the love in the world.
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Cammy says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:26 pm
Kim, like everyone else said…You may not know who we are as individuals but just know that everyone in the Supernatural fandom feels for you and we’re here to support you however we can. My condolences.
-Cammy
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Terri Clark says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:33 pm
Sweet Jesus. I’m so sorry, Kim. I hope you both are at peace now. Love & hugs, Terri
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Kerry says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:35 pm
Kim, you’re an inspiration to me. You are an amazing person and our thoughts are with you right now xx
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TernellJade says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:38 pm
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’ll keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.
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Matias says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:42 pm
I’m sorry for your loss Kim. Know that you have my support in this difficult time. I hope in time you will heal. I’m sending you all my love!
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Georgie says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Kim, I’m so very sorry. When I met you a few weeks ago in Birmingham I was struck by how lovely and genuinely generous and inspirational you are. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. We’re all here for you like we always have been.
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Elizabeth says:
June 9, 2012 at 12:49 pm
I love you Kim! You are such an inspiration in so many ways. I’m so terribly sorry about your loss.
You are such a joyous, beautiful woman and I hope to meet you some day.
Much love<3
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Anna says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:06 pm
Hi Kim. You are one of my biggest role models, and you are such an inspiration. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know you have no idea who I am, and I can’t even pretend to know what you’re going through, but you and your family are in my thoughts and I’m sending all my love to you. xo
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Brittany says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:08 pm
I’m so sorry to hear the news. At least he got those belligerent criminals out of his home and his life. You and your father will be in my prayers. Even though this is tragic, I’m glad you respected your father’s decision because I believe, as well, that someone should live their life to their fullest capacity and no one should suffer. <3
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Marianne says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:39 pm
My thoughts are with you and yours x
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Molly says:
June 9, 2012 at 1:46 pm
I’m so, so sorry to hear about your Dad. Castiel and his brothers will be watching over him, and over your family as you work through the coming days. But you’re one of the strongest ladies I have ever known, and I know you’ll muscle your way through one way or another, and still be laughing on the other side. All the best of luck to you. We’re all behind you. <3
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Karine says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Kim, sorry to hear for this bad news. But I hope you know that you have a family here, and all support you need, you just call and we’re here, in fact we’re always on for whatever you need sweety, count with us. Sending so much love for you ♥
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magic says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:44 pm
First time commenter, long time reader of your blog. I am constantly in awe of your honesty, your anger, your courage, your joy and your capacity to love. I am so glad that you have your husband and daughter with you at the moment – and your friends to be there for you. And there is us. Your readers – and though I did not know your father, I grieve that you grieve.
I am much more of a coward than you. My relationship with my father and the way I grew up? I have allowed it to dictate my attitude to men. And I don’t know how to forgive him so I can move on. But reading your blogs has been like coming across a better version of me.
You quoted something about forgiveness once: ‘Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past’. I have not been able to do that yet myself, but I hope you can. Take care of yourself, Kim. And know that there are people all around the world with hugs at the ready, should you need extra ones xxx
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Krisse says:
June 9, 2012 at 2:55 pm
This might not be much coming from a stranger, but I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re in my thoughts. Sending you positive and strong vibes your way <3
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Christin says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm
I’m so sorry about your loss. I know how words can’t change anything that happened, but I hope that reading all the comments here and on twitter, it can show you how much we love you and how much each and everyone of us would do anything to be there for you right now. *sending virtual hugs and good strong vibes to you*
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Karen says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:09 pm
I hope that both he and you have found some measure of peace.
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Chloe says:
June 9, 2012 at 3:30 pm
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know this isn’t much coming from a stranger, but I just wanted to offer my condolences, and send love. From what I’ve seen of you, you are a wonderful person, and I really admire you. You’ll be in my thoughts. xxx
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Sandy says:
June 9, 2012 at 6:26 pm
Your bravery and openness in this blog continue to awe me. I hope you find solace in this sad time and with you and your family all the best.
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Rachel Crawford says:
June 9, 2012 at 6:32 pm
Kim, I think you are extremely brave and strong to have written this in such a tragic point in your life. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. This story is so beautifully written despite the tragedy it unfolds. I pray you find strength and peace in your endeavor to move forward. Blessed be.
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Beth says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:07 pm
Oh my gosh, sweet Kim. We’ve never met, but I wanted to reach out to you and send you my condolences. Hang in there as best you can and remember that there are many others out here in fandom who are thinking of you, praying for you, and sending you good vibes and much strength.
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Jen (longstorylong) says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:09 pm
Kim, I’m so sorry. I lost my father to cancer 5 1/2 years ago, under circumstances that are surprisingly similar to yours, complete with funny-journal-entries-that-maybe-shouldn’t-be-funny- but-really-are. It’s so hard when a difficult past complicates grief that should be straightforward. You have countless other offers, but I’ll add mine: if you want to rant to someone who’s sort of been there, please feel free to shoot me an email.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. My inner Italian Nana desperately wishes you were closer to Boston so I could bake for you or offer babysitting or something, but in the meantime, sending you all the virtual hugs you can stand.
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Alicia says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:36 pm
I’m glad your father’s pain is over, and I’m very sorry he wasn’t able to be the father you deserved. May you be able to find peace with him, and with this.
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Julie Christopher says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:50 pm
My warmest thoughts are with you and your family. Love and Light, Julie in Seattle.
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Courtney says:
June 9, 2012 at 7:51 pm
Kim,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t have any wise words, I don’t think there are words that can make loss like that feel any better. If you can, take comfort in the fact that your father is no longer suffering. I wish you and your family the best. <3
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nwhepcat says:
June 9, 2012 at 8:15 pm
Oh, Kim. Holy crap. What a clusterf**k. I know what it’s like to be scared of the people who are running an elderly relative’s life, and I get the dark humor that comes out of that kind of event. (In my case it was my niece and her husband moving in with my 89-year-old mom, and they were users in more than one way. The niece is in prison now after a crime spree of such ludicrous and epic proportions all I can do is make a wild story out of it. Look on the bright side — you aren’t actually related to the idiots who swarmed in on your father, so they’re out of your life.)
I’m sorry for your loss. Sending much warmth and good thoughts your way. You’re a pretty amazing woman — be kind to yourself through all this.
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Elizabeth says:
June 9, 2012 at 8:40 pm
Kim, I’m so sorry. My grandfather took himself out the same way and for similar reasons.
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Laura says:
June 9, 2012 at 8:53 pm
I hope you can find small comforts. I hope you can feel the support of family, friends, and even fans. I imagine there’s nothing anyone can say that will really ease the pain and grief, but I hope you can feel that’s what we’re aiming for. All my love to you and yours.
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Bren says:
June 9, 2012 at 10:00 pm
In Love and Light,
May you be guided through this nightmare in a way that instills comfort–
to be felt in the depths of your soul.
To share your experience (so deeply personal) with each of us, reminds
me of how truly brave you are. And your level of spirit resonates with every
one in here; evidenced by the many lovely comments.
May you experience peace within, at least 10-fold of that which you have
showered us via your humour, grace, love, wit & charm. Most Respectfully, B
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Nikki says:
June 9, 2012 at 10:15 pm
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry it had to happen this way. {hugs}
I might not know you, but I love you anyway. I hope your heart heals soon.
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Kate says:
June 9, 2012 at 11:17 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you had to deal with so much insanity from those people. It’s a blessing that he was able to take control of his life back, and go out on his own terms — and that you’re able to appreciate the dark humor of life’s twists and turns, which always helps the grieving process a little. I wish you and your family all the best.
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Janna Balthaser says:
June 9, 2012 at 11:33 pm
Imagine there were words that could settle in around you like a pack of sleepy puppies and soothe the biting ache in your soul; words that could call up the best of the emotions you feel for your father; words that had the momentum and force to blast away all the less pleasant thoughts that are looping through your head and heart. Imagine there were words I could write that would lift away the weight of the unending moment of sorrow in which you find yourself, that would bring to you light and release and joy, and wrap themselves around you like the arms of the most loving presence you can envisage.
Now imagine I have just said those words to you, right now.
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Mary Waters says:
June 10, 2012 at 12:04 am
Oh I’m so sorry for your loss, your Dad sounded like a real character. Mine died January after years in a home with severe dementia, my Mum last December from painful and debilitating emphysema. I admire your Dad for taking control when he still could. I wish you and family all the peace in the world x
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Yasmin says:
June 10, 2012 at 12:06 am
Love and prayers to you during this difficult time Kim. Xxx
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Melanie ( @Mimicreature.Twitter.com) says:
June 10, 2012 at 12:08 am
Dammit, Kim. What a shitstorm. After how many years of headaches and fear and wondering what the right thing was for you to do, he finally… well, I’m sorry, Kim. Christ knows I wish I could help you through this. I’ll light a candle for him and you. I’ll say a Death Petition for rememberance. I’ll burn sage for cleanliness of memory and thought. I’ll be sad and angry for you. I’ll be stoic, too, if you need that. You’re right, ya know… you are loved. And it is True Real Actual Love. We’re not just your fans, Kim. We’re in it with you, as much as you’ll let us be. We know your boundaries, but, should you need us… Love you so very much.~~
Forgiveness is the scent the violet leaves on the hell that crushed it.
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Hollie says:
June 10, 2012 at 12:31 am
Sorry for your loss
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Amanda says:
June 10, 2012 at 1:56 am
I can’t deny it: when I got the email to say you had posted something new, I smiled. When I read it, I was still smiling, right till the end (there was a fair bit of tutting and head shaking going on as well, I hasten to add – twas crazy stuff). But on reading the final few lines, I had to send my love. I’m so sorry for your loss, Kim. My heart goes out to you. And I’m glad your Dad is at peace now. *healing hugs*
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Barbara McDowell says:
June 10, 2012 at 3:32 am
Kim, I wanted to wait for a while to write something, because although I’ve only met you once, I feel like I know you because of the honesty in your blog. I wanted to tell you how much I feel for you now, but I don’t really know how you are feeling. I lost my beautiful Dad just about 7 years ago, and as an only child I knew I was the centre of his life, especially after we lost my Mum. He was so giving and unselfish, and when he died I missed him so much but because we had such a good life, nothing was left unsaid, and nothing much regretted. When I think of him, which is very often, it’s always with a smile.
I think the reason that I’ve found this hard to write, is that I cannot begin to imagine your feelings at this time, when grief is so raw, but complicated by the issues with your Dad which you have so honestly recounted. I can only hope that you are able to come to terms with his loss and
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Barbara McDowell says:
June 10, 2012 at 3:40 am
perhaps the father/daughter relationship that could have been. I hope that in time you will be able to smile fondly at the memories of the good times that you had together. In the meantime you have a wonderful husband and daughter to support and distract you, and a whole extended ‘family’ who are thinking of you at this time. Love and best wishes.
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Leslie D. says:
June 10, 2012 at 5:35 am
So sorry for your loss.
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Stina says:
June 10, 2012 at 5:36 am
Oh Kim,
I’m so sorry to hear this. I don’t even really know you, but I have been thinking about you and this story especially all day. Stay strong!
*Hugs*
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Lisa says:
June 10, 2012 at 7:01 am
Kim, I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn’t seem adequate enough to say that and I wish I could do something to help. Just know that there are those of us who have been there with our relatives and know what you are going through. We love you and are thinking of you during this time. Sending virtual hugs your way.
Much love,
Lisa
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Lindsay says:
June 10, 2012 at 9:05 am
I’m sure you know that there are literally thousands of us out here who, while not personally knowing you, care and love you. We are sorry for your loss and while it will take time adjusting, at least your father isn’t suffering with any physical or emotional pains anymore. Just remember that you have an amazing group of people all over the world who would drop everything to give you their time if you need it. I’ll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts. *hugs*
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Tatiana says:
June 10, 2012 at 11:21 am
Oh I can’t imagine how you feel now… I’m so sorry for your grief and loss. I wish you to have a strength to stand it. I infinitely respect you and your attitude to life. And I hope your farther are in peace now. *loving hugs*
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Colleen says:
June 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm
Kim,
I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to your father. I’m sending virtual hugs your way. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
With Love,
Colleen
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Roberts says:
June 10, 2012 at 2:50 pm
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I have no idea what you must be going through but I just want you to know that we are all here for you and that your dad is in an amazing place. I know this probably means very little to you, or nothing at all but I feel the need to say something. I wish you and your family the best through these hard times. Love and hugs. x
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wayward_wings says:
June 10, 2012 at 5:08 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that you’re in my thoughts and the thoughts and hearts of all your fans. I give you my best to get through this difficult time.
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Kathleen says:
June 10, 2012 at 8:19 pm
Oh, well, shit. Since the usual responses to this stick in the craw given what we know from what you shared with us for so long, let me offer this. As you see many of us ache for you and long to be there to grow hoarse with you as you rail against yet another bitter blow and to be there to help you pick up the pieces yet again and find the strength to believe in the existence of a good day. I hope the admiration, love, and encouragement we send to you can be of some support to you in this difficult, conflicting time. Thank you for sharing everything you are with us. I truly wish I could give so much more back to you.
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GlissyVega says:
June 10, 2012 at 10:07 pm
Kim, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Really I’m sorry, All my prayer for you and your family. Kim You are strong. He now is in better place, with God. Kim I’m with you, hug and kisses
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GlissyVega says:
June 10, 2012 at 10:20 pm
God will heal you, will make you smile, but he will make you stronger in every path. God will never let you alone; your father is your angel and he is beside you everyday.
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Kelly says:
June 11, 2012 at 5:23 am
I wish I could think of something better to say than I’m sorry. I don’t deal well with this death and loss,, so I wasn’t going to say anything at all, but I couldn’t let this go without acknowledging that it happened. I hope you get the peace you deserve now.
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Lozi says:
June 11, 2012 at 11:35 am
Kim, you don’t know who I am, but I just want you to know that I am so, so sorry for what has happened, and I want you to know you and your family will be in my prayers. And believe me when I say the Supernatural family will be there for you, and I know they will all be thinking of you during this difficult time. If there is anything we can do, please do not hesitate to let us know. Remember that family doesn’t end with blood. Stay the strong person we all know you to be, and know that we all love you dearly
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Emily says:
June 11, 2012 at 11:42 am
Kim, please know that (though you don’t know me) you have my love and support. You and your family are in my thoughts.
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Evie says:
June 11, 2012 at 1:47 pm
I’m sorry to hear this, Kim, you and your family are in my thoughts. Stay strong xx
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Jessica says:
June 12, 2012 at 8:02 am
Over 100 comments in less than 4 days…. I think it’s no secret that you are not alone.
Cry the tears, throw the plates, stomp the feet, do whatever it is that you need to do. You are a strong, kind, amazing human being and there is no such thing as weakness in these situations.
Spend this time with those that you love. Let them lift you up and put smiles on your face. And when that family starts to drive you nuts (as family tends to do) just know that your “other family” is here for you.
May hugs to you, Kim. I’ll tick another one on to the “Hugs for Kim” list
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Claire says:
June 12, 2012 at 10:39 pm
You are unlike anyone else Kim Rhodes. Inimitable. Strong and courageous and damn funny. And meaningful in ways that take me by surprise more often than I would have thought possible.
This is a sucky thing that’s happened. Made both more and less so in its inevitability.
Feel what you need to feel. Do what you need to do. And keep coming back to us…
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Tracy says:
June 13, 2012 at 12:41 am
I so love the internet. I just found your blog in my early am wanderings.Good for you for going public with the details. I’m beginning to think more people should talk openly about suicide. I’m meeting people EVERY DAY who want to end it all yet no one talks about it. It’s still a taboo subject.
In a strange way I’m going to miss your dad even though I met him only this last fall. I’m so glad you were able to have a candid discussion with him. He swore to me he wouldn’t do it on several occasions, but then he also knew if he was too honest with me I would have linked my arm in his and taken him for a three day “vacation”. I’m starting to think of men that age as “The Frank Sinatra Generation” they’re going to do it their way… and that’s all right, that is how they were tought to be.
I’ll be sending healing thoughts your way. The adrenaline rush of crummy news like this does awful things to your body. It’s a roller coaster you just have to ride out. I trust you’ll be surrounding yourself with the love of good friends and family. Take Care.
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JAGMEET SINGH says:
June 13, 2012 at 9:25 am
omg…. sorry to hear about your father. my heart goes out to you and your family. may god gives peace to the departed soul. GOD BLESS…….
@темы: kim rhodes